Lockdown Love; making time for each other in the chaos.

Hey Piglets, I hope you’re all as safe and well as you can be! I have no idea what day it is, how long we have been in quarantine or what I’m supposed to be doing today…. so what else is new? 😂 Anyways, today I wanted to write about how we’re managing the lockdown as a couple; it’s not easy to make time for each other in the chaos of teenagers, homeschooling, housework, studying and everything else but it’s something we are working really hard on. So I figured why not share our ideas, and see if you have any suggestions of your own! Sharing is caring right?

Planning is Sexy.

Okay, well maybe the act of planning isn’t going to get you hot and bothered (unless it does, in which case no judging!) but being realistic about your time and commitments is a good idea. If you know how much you’ve got going on every day, you’ll find it easier to make time for getting it on!

We have (lazy) teenage kids, three cats, a garden and a home to keep up with. Eddie has his college work, writing, art work and counselling to juggle. I am doing most of the home education stuff with Owain, as well as my own projects and writing. Plus I just signed up online to a couple of courses that I’m super looking forward to – but more on that in a future post. We’re not as busy as some folks are in the lockdown thankfully, but we do have to be careful with our time in order to make sure we can prioritise being together.

Make it work for you.

Whether your only spare moment in the day is when your baby has a long nap, or getting the kids to bed at night is when you have some breathing space – you can carve out some time for each other. And once you find that gap in the busyness of the daily grind; trust me, you’ll protect it like an angry Mama Goose!

Our protected time together looks like this;

• We sit together for coffee/breakfast every morning for about 30 minutes. This is where we talk about the day ahead, anything that is bothering us or stuff we need to address. It’s a time for us to check in with each other as well as make sure we’re on the same page with kids/house/life stuff.
• Every Thursday evening we have a designated “Date Night” from 7pm onwards. We take it in turns to plan this for each other on a week by week basis and it’s something we look forward to and protect every week. Even if I’m really struggling with my health, I still try to make an effort for Date Night.
• Throughout the day; I make a point of giving Eddie a hug, or squeezing his arm as I pass, or a quick peck on the cheek. Physical affection is super important to him, so I try to make sure he gets lots of it!
• Each evening before we do our own things (usually bed early for me, gaming or movies for him) we make sure we have a big hug and loads of kisses. If there’s been any tension or annoyance between us we sort it out fully, apologising if needed, so that peace can be fully restored again.

What is this “Quality Time” of which you speak?

It’s worth mentioning here that “quality time” is not just a euphemism for sex – come on, don’t be coy, you know what I’m talking about 😉 every one I know – especially folks with children – uses a cheeky euphemism once in a while!

Quality time means something that shows you value your partner and your relationship. This may look like a deep conversation, playing a game together, spending time holding hands on the sofa, planning an activity to do together and so on. It can be as simple as a chat in the garden over coffee, or as fancy as a candle lit bubble bath for two. It’s all about the intention, the thought and time you put into it for one another.

Backyards can be romantic too!

Of course that’s going to include sex too at some point or other; sex is an important part of any healthy romantic relationship, developing trust and intimacy between partners and strengthening the connection they share. It’s not the be all and end all though!

But we already spend all day together now, why bother?

I get it. You’re stuck at home together pretty much 24/7. You see each other now more than you have ever done before. Why make the effort to have even more time together?

It’s a perfectly valid question and the only way I can answer it is with my own experience. As you know, my health isn’t great and so my husband Eddie is my Carer as well. He helps me with everything, all day every day. He helps me get dressed, have a shower, even go to the loo. He does stuff that I can’t manage. He is brilliant. And as much as this demonstrates exactly how much he must love me, it makes it hard to maintain the “romance” part of our marriage!

Candle making was a fun, creative date!

We already spent every day together before lockdown, so we have had a while to learn how to manage it. Before we prioritised our time together, we both felt like each day was the same and our relationship began to deteriorate. We got on each other’s nerves, we found faults and nit picked and bickered. We stopped making the effort. Our sex life suffered, our emotional connection wobbled, our parenting wasn’t as great as we wanted it to be….

Making the time to be together properly felt like drawing a line in the sand for us both; it was a declaration of how important we are to one another as partners, as lovers, as husband and wife. Since intentionally spending this time together our relationship has deepened and grown so much stronger. It’s brought back the balance we were missing.

Since the Covid-19 outbreak and subsequent quarantine measures, we’ve found that this protected time together is more important than ever. Before, we would have time through most days while the kids were out at college or with their mates. Now they are here every moment of every day, and it’s made the time we can spend together feel even more precious!

17 years married and we still like each other!

I am pretty sure that the reason our marriage is so strong is because we make time for one another. Time is literally the most precious commodity in the Universe; choosing to give that time to your lover, instead of using it elsewhere, is a huge deal.

Date night silliness! Pampering is fun!

If it worked for us, I am certain it can work for you too! Whatever your circumstances – however busy you are or how hectic your home life may be – making a little bit of time to spend with your partner is possible for everyone. It will make you both feel better, which will have a positive knock on effect in every other area of your life.

Now it’s over to you; how do you make time for your relationship? Do you have any fun quarantine date night ideas for me? Maybe you’re planning to make “quality time” an important part of your schedule now? I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or via my Instagram @wholly_dee

Take care Piglets, be safe xxx

Losing Someone Precious.

I’ve been learning a lot about emotional resilience the last few weeks. Things didn’t work out as planned with our rescue dog, my teenage daughter has been through some heart ache and my health has been terrible. These events are all equally difficult to handle in their own ways, but they cannot compare to the pain of watching someone you love grieve after losing someone special.

My husband Eddie is my world. He really is everything to me; he’s my best friend, lover, confidant and carer, and I would do anything for him. Last week, one of the most important people in his life – Grandma – passed away in hospital. He got to see her just before she died, something that I will be eternally thankful for.

Grandma was almost 90 years old and her health had been declining steadily for the last few years. This lady grew up during World War II, she raised her own children and then took in her grandsons (my Eddie and his brother) and raised them. She nursed her beloved husband Arthur, never leaving his side, until he died from Emphysema. This amazing lady fought to keep her independence as she grew older – it was only a couple months ago that she gave up her keep fit classes – and still lived in the home she raised her family in. She was a remarkable woman.

Eddie and Grandma were very close. She would often tell me “I know I’m not meant to have a favourite, but my Edward is special”. You see, Eddie’s childhood wasn’t the easiest but Grandma was his anchor in the midst of the stormy times. She has been his constant support, his loudest cheerleader and her unconditional love has been with him all the days of his life. Grandma was such a wonderful woman to so many people, to my husband she was so much more than a Gran.

As you can imagine, it’s been horrible since she passed. At first Eddie went into shock; he had literally just returned from seeing her in the hospital when he got the call to say she had gone. I was ready for tears, shouting, wailing even….. but instead he just carried on as normal. We told the kids and comforted them as best we could, then Eddie got on with his own things like nothing had happened. I think it finally sunk in through that first night, because the next morning the tears really did start.

It’s been just over a week now. His grief is so heartbreaking to watch. He isn’t weeping and wailing; rather he’s struggling to accept that she’s gone, in his head he knows that she has died but he still finds himself thinking he needs to call her or arrange to go for a cuppa. I guess when someone has been part of your life for so long, it will take time to accept their departure. And the first stage of grief is denial after all, so I know it won’t last forever.

The funeral is just under a week away; and while it’s a time of remembrance and closure, it also brings it’s own challenges for my husband. Strained family relations, a crippled wife, a long journey on public transport…… all these things stack up on him one by one. I hope he doesn’t break apart underneath it all.

As for me, I don’t know what to do to help him or how to ease his pain at her passing. I wake up in the night and hold him as he cries, I sit and listen as he tries to make sense of his feelings, I share precious memories of her with him when he wants to talk about her life. What else can I do but be here and love him? What else should I be doing? Those aren’t rhetorical questions; if you have any good ideas I would love to hear them – because I have never felt so powerless in our almost 16 years together as I do now.

Have you supported a loved one through their grief before? Or perhaps you’re in the same boat right now? If you’re in need of support, or you have any helpful suggestions then please comment below. I would appreciate any help we’re given!

Take care, hold your dear ones close and let them know how precious they are to you xxx